The Acceptance Stage

So, I know I just wrote a whole post about how I might be back on track with running and exercise in general after five long weeks of inactivity.

Scratch all that.

At least that is what I have been thinking, as I spend the evening limping to the freezer to grab an ice pack, sinking back into the couch and Velcroing it around my damn knee. Refreeze and repeat. The pain is back and much more intense. The best part is that the soreness and aching have begun to show up in my right knee as well, and moved down to my feet and my ankles.

The makings of an exciting night.

I wake up in the middle of the night tossing and turning because my legs are sore and restless. I wake up at 8:30 a.m., after hitting the pillow at 2:03 a.m. I got home from Job #2 at 2:01 a.m.

I give myself a pep talk before I heave feet to the floor and limp, bleary-eyed, to the coffee maker. It will all be worth it one day, when I make my big break and when I can run again. I chant it over and over, as if saying it will make it come true.

I'm such a complainer, I know. I'm getting sick of myself.

What did I expect, recklessly completing five workouts in one week after doing nothing more strenuous than hitting the 4 button on the elevator panel for a month?

At last, I made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor for next Tuesday. This happened only after I  did some Googling (Googleing?) and self-diagnosed myself with patellofemoral pain, a.k.a. Runner's Knee. Using my great powers of rationalization, I've concluded that now, going to to the doctor might not be so ominous, since I have ruled out several major ailments that would require surgery and/or never running again.

However, a conversation with a coworker/fellow runner this morning prompted a scary possibility that is eating away at me: What if, as happened to him, I had sore knees that would always, from this point on, be sore when I ran? My marathon (ok, half-marathon) running days would be over before they even had a chance to begin.

This article in today's Times provides an interesting, if not completely rounded, perspective on the relationship between cycling and running injuries. The bit on the second page about feeling as if a running injury -- most of them from simple overuse -- is your own fault, is completely relevant here. One of the most frustrating parts is that the realization that it is your own fault doesn't hit your my thick head until long after the hurt has happened, as, the author says, "you cast about for a reason why you got injured."

My whole body hurts, including my head. Going to Price Chopper and getting some ice cream sounds like a good remedy. At least subjecting myself to a brain freeze will taste good.