The Acceptance Stage

So, I know I just wrote a whole post about how I might be back on track with running and exercise in general after five long weeks of inactivity.

Scratch all that.

At least that is what I have been thinking, as I spend the evening limping to the freezer to grab an ice pack, sinking back into the couch and Velcroing it around my damn knee. Refreeze and repeat. The pain is back and much more intense. The best part is that the soreness and aching have begun to show up in my right knee as well, and moved down to my feet and my ankles.

The makings of an exciting night.

I wake up in the middle of the night tossing and turning because my legs are sore and restless. I wake up at 8:30 a.m., after hitting the pillow at 2:03 a.m. I got home from Job #2 at 2:01 a.m.

I give myself a pep talk before I heave feet to the floor and limp, bleary-eyed, to the coffee maker. It will all be worth it one day, when I make my big break and when I can run again. I chant it over and over, as if saying it will make it come true.

I'm such a complainer, I know. I'm getting sick of myself.

What did I expect, recklessly completing five workouts in one week after doing nothing more strenuous than hitting the 4 button on the elevator panel for a month?

At last, I made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor for next Tuesday. This happened only after I  did some Googling (Googleing?) and self-diagnosed myself with patellofemoral pain, a.k.a. Runner's Knee. Using my great powers of rationalization, I've concluded that now, going to to the doctor might not be so ominous, since I have ruled out several major ailments that would require surgery and/or never running again.

However, a conversation with a coworker/fellow runner this morning prompted a scary possibility that is eating away at me: What if, as happened to him, I had sore knees that would always, from this point on, be sore when I ran? My marathon (ok, half-marathon) running days would be over before they even had a chance to begin.

This article in today's Times provides an interesting, if not completely rounded, perspective on the relationship between cycling and running injuries. The bit on the second page about feeling as if a running injury -- most of them from simple overuse -- is your own fault, is completely relevant here. One of the most frustrating parts is that the realization that it is your own fault doesn't hit your my thick head until long after the hurt has happened, as, the author says, "you cast about for a reason why you got injured."

My whole body hurts, including my head. Going to Price Chopper and getting some ice cream sounds like a good remedy. At least subjecting myself to a brain freeze will taste good.

Back on track?

I re-upped my YMCA membership for the winter and took myself to the gym on Monday evening for my first run in more than a month.

Finally.

It was a major production, at least internally, to go through the motions of getting ready to run. I was nervous. I spent more time than usual tying my laces, securing my hair, adjusting my music, and then gingerly, very gingerly, stepped onto the red, squishy surface of the indoor track on the second floor of the Y.

First, though, as I knelt down to retie my shoe again, I sent a little prayer out to the running gods and goddesses. "Please, please let me run today without hurting my body," I pleaded. "I promise I'll never skip a workout again if only I can have running back."

After a hesitant eight minute warm-up, I discovered that I hadn't completely fallen off the wagon and that my knee was not going to give out or start producing jolts of pain. This felt like quite a triumph, considering I was limping around a few weeks ago.

I ran around the track at a super slow pace for about 30 minutes, until my knee started to ache and go wobbly. Then I went downstairs to spin for 20 minutes, hoping to work the kinks out of my muscles while easing up on my knee. 

Tuesday was a repeat of the routine. Wednesday and Thursday were given over to travel, family time, and so much delicious food, as well as RICE. The holiday was a perfect excuse to rest after an exhausting week.

They make you feel faster, and keep fingers warm.

Friday, after I had sat on my parents' huge couch doing absolutely nothing for so long I began to fear it would swallow me up permanently, I hauled myself up and headed to the SUNY Oneonta track nearby. It was about 35 degrees, and since everyone knows that running outside in cold weather is just an excuse to put on all sorts of sleek gear and feel cool, I suited up in mine: leggings, running shorts, long-sleeved wicking shirt, black ear band, black gloves. While they won't make you go any faster, black gloves, by the way, are apparently the epitome of running cool.

Izzy the bundle of fluff and me, her erstwhile friend.

I pulled two good miles on the track, so relieved to be able to move around outside again and take in the view of Oneonta's blue hills and the setting sun. Forgot to take any pictures of that or of Thanksgiving, save for one, as an afterthought, with the family dog.

 It's still technically Thanksgiving week (eh?) so I'll say what I am thankful for: Always, for family, friends, nutritious food and good health. Right now, for being back in Saratoga in my warm, peaceful home, couching it up again after driving straight to the Y from Oneonta for workout No. 4 of the week. And I'm eternally thankful that I can lead an active life.

Liking the D.I.Y. approach to life

I walked in the door tonight more grateful than usual to be letting myself into my warm little studio after a long day at work.

This evening I spent an hour outside in less-than-desirable weather conditions, covering a vigil for homelessness awareness week. I was so moved by the story of a local woman who endured a childhood of abuse, spent a winter homeless on the streets of Saratoga as an adult and is now earning her degree to be a social worker at age 49. 

That kind of determination makes me feel like a chump for ever complaining about my sky-high student loans and pitiful paychecks. At least I'm working at something I care about and have a safe place to sleep.

As someone who spent her first few months of life sleeping in a tiny blue red trailer in the middle of the woods, surrounded by five-foot piles of snow, with a father who worked nights loading trucks in a warehouse and a mother who taught school to students from poverty-stricken families, the issue of homelessness resonates with me. 

In the spring, with the help of friends and neighbors, they finished hand-building the two-story log cabin that would be my beloved home for the next 16 years.  

Of course, I wasn't fully cognizant at the time, but I don't think there was much separating us three from destitution during that first long, cold winter in the trailer -- not much except an unflappable commitment to hard work and a steady resolution to maintain one's self-sufficiency at all costs.

My parents have long ago gone their separate ways and the log cabin is now someone else's home, but those values have stuck with me, and they flood my one-room apartment with hope.

Stretching out

Saturday was a blur of traveling, kitchen appliances, dish towels, computer upsets and finally, returning home to Saratoga and a delicious homemade squash soup.

Sunday was a blur of yoga class, appointments, work and veggie burgers.

Today was a blur of work, meetings, braving a sketchy Chinese buffet ... I could go on, but I'll just have to show this picture instead:

The happy ending after three very busy days.

All of this activity has resulted in little sleep and a very tired S.R.S. So, therefore, I present the shortest blog post ever.

Yoga four times last week helped to ease my achin' bod. In Sunday's class, I had a super stretching experience with the help of a rock star teacher: We're sitting on the floor, reaching out for our toes in front of us, and without warning, she commences to sit down back-to-back with me and use her body weight to push me into the deepest stretch of my life (life as a former ballerina, that is). Then she held me there.

The physical sensation was so powerful it produced a revelatory effect inside my head. I walked out of there knowing for sure and for the first time that the studio is my sanctuary and yoga is my worship.

After that, my knees and legs have been feeling much more themselves lately, and I can't wait to go for my first recovery run this week.

Hatha healing and wine

Thank goodness for yoga, friends and homemade burritos. And, uhh, Riesling.

Ever since I moved to Saratoga Springs and began frequenting Purdy's liquor store, buying a biweekly-ish bottle of wine, striking up friendly conversation with the employees and welcoming their suggestions on certain varieties, I've been wondering how long it was going to take this one cashier in particular to stop carding me. (I mean, I know it's the law, but -- check the ID for six months straight, see my friggin' face staring up from your newspaper every damn day and give it a rest already!)

Well, tonight I got my answer: it takes about two and a half years for him to stop carding me. Thanks, Virgo Guy at Purdy's. I know, I know, we're both Virgos, and you like to mention it every time you ring me out for my $10 bottle, after scrutinizing my birth date and practically quizzing me about my astrological sign and its stereotypical characteristics. But, Virgo Guy at Purdy's, tonight you surprised me by simply ringing me out with a smile and telling me to have a great night.  

I suppose I'm grouchy because last night's sleep was a weird mixture of tossing and turning, anxious dreams about Twitter (!!) and dreams in which I try, and fail, to write news stories in my sleep.  

So, finally making it to Vinyasa flow tonight at Yoga Mandali was a relief. I fell asleep during Shavasana (the corpse pose, where we relax with our eyes closed at the end of the practice) and woke up feeling like the majority of tension and pain had finally seeped out of my body.

I have a hunch it will be back again tomorrow morning, but I'm looking forward to the weekend to chill things out: Oneonta for a short visit with the fam, McKay's bridal shower, date night, and Sunday ... when I think I'll go for a run.

Caught in a lull, reckoning with myself

It's now been two and a half weeks without so much as a jog, but I've been busy lately, not running (at all) and not eating (much). That's what stress, sadness, two jobs and a busted knee will do to you, I guess. It's not exactly a kind of busy that I am happy with, and I miss my routine sorely, but I keep telling myself it's temporary. It will get better.

On Monday, when it was snowing, I was walking home from work and a guy went jogging past me. He looked a little cold, but otherwise not very bothered about the white wet stuff fluffing up around his sneakers. I had a big pang of jealousy that confused me for a moment -- I was heading home to my warm apartment, soon to be enjoying an impromptu dinner with friends, and all of a sudden all I wanted to be doing was running outside in 30 degree weather? Yes.

The knee is holding up better -- no major pains for more than a week now, but it still feels weak. I've been super careful not to put extra weight on it, have used the elevator to get to my fourth-floor apartment every day and have even tried to stop wearing heels! (Not very successfully. But that's mostly just because I'm a short person and most of my pants are too long, thus requiring the wearing of heels.) These measures, combined, have hopefully allowed it to rest up and strengthen up.

Today I practiced yoga and stretched -- still no pain, but I put enough weight on my knees that I could feel the imbalance between the strong right knee and the wiggly left knee.

I am deliberating over when this "rest" period should be over ... tomorrow, next week?

Yoga is on the agenda until I feel 100 percent ready to risk it. If I try jogging and have the same problems as last time, I figure I'm out for another two weeks at least, and seriously, a doctor's appointment.    

One truth this inactivity has unfortunately reinforced in me is that I must have spent a lot of time doing nothing before I started running and working out regularly. Or maybe I slept more. Either way, I had so much time on my hands that was wasted in fruitless, even damaging, pursuits, such as lashing myself into other people's arms in order to feel as if I had a purpose. I guess that made life feel exciting, like a roller coaster ride.

But I'm glad I've landed safely back on the ground. Running on the road is enough of a rush for me.